Dr. Yum Yum's Craftybot Retirement Home


After the recent untimely demise of G.E.T.C. (Glitchen for the Ethical Treatment of Craftybots), Ur is facing a ethical disaster of epic proportions. The incidence rate for Craftybot abuse has reached an all time high and continues to grow with each passing gameday. 

Take the tragic case of Dr Fake Alt*. (Real names have been changed in order to protect the guilty from mob reprisals.) Dr Fake Alt came Home one evening to find a shiny new Craftybot in his back yard. He excitedly freed his new mechanical assistant from its box and put it to work. 

On Craftybot's first attempt it managed to produce 2 Seasoned Beans.  Dr Fake Alt was ecstatic. Next he instructed Craftybot to make some Awesome Stews. At this point things got...complicated. First Craftybot ran out of fuel.  Dr Fake Alt gladly refueled the helpful machine and set it back to work. But Craftybot failed to produce any Awesome Stew.  Dr Fake Alt tried again and again to have Craftybot complete the assigned task. At his wit's end, he clicked the Craftybot once more. This time he discovered something that had previously escaped his attention...the option to Kick.

At first Dr Fake Alt couldn't bring himself to kick his new-found friend. But as seconds ticked by, the end of the world swiftly approaching,  Dr Fake Alt grew desperate. Impulsively he clicked the Craftybot menu and choose KICK. Horrid metallic clangs and muffled screams filled the air. Although Dr Fake Alt was appalled at his own behavior and filled with intense feelings of self-loathing, he continued to brutally KICK his Craftybot for the next 11 minutes.

Despondent, at wit's end, Dr Fake Alt fled to the Ancestral Lands, recklessly confronting would-be robbers in what may very well have been Ur's very first case of attempted JuJuicide. 

Luckily Dr Fake Alt's cry for help was heard before things got out of hand. I found Dr Fake Alt wandering the streets of Xalanga, covered in Paper and mumbling incoherently about the sacrificing himself to the JuJu Queen. I brought Dr Fake Alt back to my offices. After a few hours of gentle coaxing (followed by a not so gentle application of Truth Serum) I finally discovered the source of his madness. He was of course suffering from CAD: Craftybot Abuse Disorder.

Hoping to improve the situation for both Dr Fake Alt and his Craftybot, I immediately came up with a plan: Dr. Yum Yum's Craftybot Retirement Home. Craftybot owners, either CAD sufferers or even those who simply fear that they might become CAD sufferers, can drop off their Craftybots, no questions asked. 

Craftybot Residents of Dr. Yum Yum's Craftybot Retirement Home live out their lives in peace. They perform no labor, and are never, ever KICKed again. Today, both Dr. Fake Alt and his Craftybot are doing much better. 

If you or someone you know suffers from CAD, please consider the gift that keeps on giving: Dr. Yum Yum's Craftybot Retirement Home.

(* Any name similarity between myself and Dr Fake Alt is purely coincidental and not to be construed as anything more than a very strange, unlikely and unfortunate coincidence.) (I mean yes I can understand the urge to KICK stupid Craftybots when they fucking don't do what they are supposed to do. As a semi-licensed professional it is my job to try and understand. I try. I really, really do.)

ETA: It turns out that Craftybots can not be left with my butler. If I am not around to check Craftybot in to the Retirement Home, feel free to add me if we are not already friends and send Craftybot via Mail Frog. I am told the journey is quite comfortable and for the most part not at all dangerous.

Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink


  • Hmmm . . I have CAD but am not sure I am willing to give up that frisson of excitement each time I approach my CraftyBot. I'll put you on speed dial though.
    Posted 8 years ago by Kookaburra Subscriber! | Permalink
  • But... but... I LIKE to kick!

    Posted 8 years ago by Zoethor2 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Zoethor2, you are overthinking that plate of beans.
    Posted 8 years ago by Beyond the Pale Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *____*

    Posted 8 years ago by La Mariposa Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Zoethor2: Though your feelings of ill will towards Craftybot are understandable in this context, please remember that it is actions like yours that put the ick in kick.

    Also please know that we at Dr. Yum Yum's Craftybot Retirement Home are always available to provide post-bean-loss counseling at relatively inexpensive rates.
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Kookaburra: Do you actually Kick Craftybot each time you see it, or is just the thought of Kicking enough to satisfy your urge?
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, KICK!!!!
    Posted 8 years ago by ghostcat Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Idk I mean I think I'm more upset that my chickens stole the eggs they were incubating and never gave them back. At least craftybot gives stuff back.
    Posted 8 years ago by toxxic Subscriber! | Permalink
  • My Craftybot LIKES being kicked. The very first thing I ever did after letting it out of the box was kick it. We engage in mutually satisfying kicking behavior. DON'T JUDGE US.

    Ooh, is it possible to go to the retirement home and kick other people's Craftybots?

    Also, did you know you can carry the Craftybot in your inventory and kick it anytime, anywhere? I'm just saying.
    Posted 8 years ago by Sirentist Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I just checked and I have to do the kicking.  Just thinking about it is not enough.  Am I sick?
    Posted 8 years ago by Kookaburra Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sirentist: Without judging you I must say that I am shocked (SHOCKED!) that you would not only Kick your own Craftybot and encourage others to carry Craftybot in their inventory to maximize Kick-time, but stunned and saddened that you raise the question (in a public forum no less!) of possibly gaining access to the retirement home to kick the harmless, defenseless Craftybots of others. (Please IM me if you would like to arrange a private "Scientific" visit)

    Kookaburra: It saddens me to say that you are sick, so I won't say it. However, I would add that as an appointed Priest of Alph it is in my power to grant Indulgences that would allow you to Eat your Oaty Cake and have it too. (Pay 100 Currants for each kick and Alph looks the other way.)
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Doc, you are awesome. I needed this smile. :) May the craftybots find much non-kickyness in your company. 
    Posted 8 years ago by Wynella Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Forgive me Alph, I kicked my Craftybot three times.  Where do I send the currents for your indulgences?
    Posted 8 years ago by Kookaburra Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Wynella, I'm glad the suffering of Craftybots makes you smile. :)

    Kookaburra, please say 7 complex wadjamacallits and send the currents to me so that I can insure they get to where they are most needed.
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I opened my craftybot box once and said hi.   He didn't seem ready for this world so I put him back to sleep and forgot about him.    Sad fellow.   Perhaps I will look into this retirement home.
    Posted 8 years ago by Treesa Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Treesa: Your legendary kindness precedes you and allowing your Craftybot to retire will almost assuredly guarantee your ascension to Gianthood.
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • "Hello Doctor,
    I'm afraid this craftybot is terminally confused. The chickens keep pecking him and I think the piggies are laughing at him. Please can you give him a loving home in his twilight years. photos of his progress would be appreciated. Here is a little something for his keep.
    Miss T xx"
    Posted 8 years ago by MissT Subscriber! | Permalink
  • MissT: Your Craftybot arrived safe and sound via AFLC Mail and is now spending it's day leisurely crafting absolutely nothing! 

    Thanks so much to you and everyone else who have opted to allow their Craftybots to retire in peace!
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Here is the latest Snap:
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I have got to remember to get mine to you also.
    Posted 8 years ago by Cinnamon Petrichor Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Awesome, it will be just in time for Craftybot Glitchmas!

    (If I am not on feel free to mail Craftybot!)
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Dearest Dr. Yum Yum,
    I am so relieved that I have been referred to you!  I love my craftybot!  Truly I only every kicked it once, due to the instructions included when it arrived.  I have been so overwhelmed with guilt since that day.  I could not face the truth, so I put it in my attic.  I know.. Not a very good way to cope, but I was bereft of any other solution to confront my guilt about my utter disregard for my craftybot's well being.  Sadly it has been lingering there ever since which of course, in Glitch time, is a very, very long time.  My craftybot, oh yes.. it's name is Doohicky, is urgently in need of a good home.  Unfortunately I must soon depart for parts unknown for an undetermined period of time.  I am deeply concerned that Doohicky's place in this world could disappear and s/he might be cast into oblivion as a result of my neglect.  I am sending Doohicky to you with the greatest confidence that s/he will spend out her/his days in peace and comfort in your wonderfully described home.  I will write, when possible of course, and advise you of my current circumstances, hoping that I will be able to at least visit, if not to bring Doohicky home one day. To at least to look to her/his well being, I will send currants as available to assist you in your selfless endeavor.
    Sincerely, Joni Mitchell (aka Pr. Fi)
    Posted 8 years ago by Princess Fi Subscriber! | Permalink
  • As a member of The Coalition to BURNALLTHECRAFTYBOTS I simply cannot agree to this. Do the right thing, and set your craftybot on fire today!

    Bleep bloop!
    Posted 8 years ago by HAVOK PEW SUMMERS Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Joni - Doohicky arrived and seems very happy with the Retirement Home. Enclosed is a Snap:

    Havok Summers: You will burn in Naraka! 
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Thanks to everyone who came to the Retirement Party! It was lots of fun and the Bot population practically doubled when visitors discovered such an easy way to get Craftybot safely, somewhat-humanely out of their lives! 

    The Final Snap
    Posted 8 years ago by Doctor Yum Yum Subscriber! | Permalink