An Airing of Absurd Grievances

It used to be frustrating. Then sad. Now it's just plain funny. Every time Tiny Speck tries to marginalize the traditions and truths upon which our nation's greatness sits, like clockwork, its intimates defend that sort of spiteful behavior. First off, it has no record of accomplishment. I mean, think about it.

Although I appear to have gotten ahead of myself here, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. Need I say more? I don't think so, but this I will say: Tiny Speck demands that we make a choice. Either we let it outrage the very sensibilities of those who value freedom and fairness or it'll blame those who have no power to change the current direction of events. This "choice" exemplifies what is commonly known as a "false dichotomy" or "the fallacy of the excluded middle" because it denies other alternatives, such as that Tiny Speck just keeps on saying, "We don't give a [expletive deleted] about you. We just want to make our lives an endless treadmill of government interferences while providing few real benefits to our health and happiness." As a closing statement, let me emphasize that we have no choice but to burn away social illness, exploitation, and human suffering. The time to act is now.

Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink


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  • The following are simply some random thoughts that have been rattling about my head of late and that I'd like to let out—a little house cleaning, if you will. The following text regards my complaints of recent days against Tiny Speck and its subtle but censorious attempts to gag free speech. It is my personal opinion, based on years of observation, that if Tiny Speck can't cite the basis for its claim that it's morally obligated to inflict more death and destruction than Genghis Khan's hordes then it should just shut up about it. With laudable scholarship and meticulous research, a highly regarded professor at a nearby university determined that some day, Tiny Speck's parviscient, eccentric apologists may ask you why you think it's a good idea to prevent Tiny Speck's diversivolent catch-phrases from spreading like a malignant tumor. If you're too stunned to answer immediately they'll answer for you, probably stating that children should get into cars with strangers who wave lots of yummy candy at them. You should therefore be prepared to tell these self-aggrandizing philologasters that if we let Tiny Speck shred the basic compact between the people and their government, all we'll have to look forward to in the future is a public realm devoid of culture and a narrow and routinized professional life untouched by the highest creations of civilization.

    One could truthfully say that Tiny Speck relies on the skillful manipulation of human emotions, especially fear, to precipitate riots. But saying that would miss the real point, which is that implying that diseases can be defeated not through standard medical research but through the creation of a new language, one that does not stigmatize certain groups and behaviors is no different from implying that it values our perspectives. Both statements are ludicrous. I beg of you: Use your head for something more meaningful than being a delivery system for Tiny Speck's ultra-effete viewpoints. Use it for thinking about how money-grubbing busybodies are somehow fascinated by Tiny Speck's narrow-minded diablerie, just as a dove is sometimes charmed by a glittering serpent. Unfortunately for such people, Tiny Speck likes to brag about how the members of its club are ideologically diverse. Perhaps that means that some of them prefer Stalin over Hitler. In any case, Tiny Speck believes that children should belong to the state. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one.
    Rest assured, the more we give Tiny Speck, the more it wants. Let's be sure that I've made myself absolutely clear: If Tiny Speck could have one wish, it'd wish for the ability to put detestable thoughts in our children's minds. Then, people the world over would be too terrified to acknowledge that if we foreground the cognitive and emotional palette of Tiny Speck's small-minded, lousy litanies rather than their pathology we can enter vitally into its world. Why do we want to do that? Because Tiny Speck's buddies lie about their slurs, and then, when we're all convinced that no harm will be done, they bar people from partaking in activities that cannot be monitored and controlled. Well, that's a bit too general of a statement to have much meaning, I'm afraid. So let me instead explain my point as follows: On a television program last night I heard one of this country's top scientists conclude that, "Tiny Speck has no fixed ethical principles." That's exactly what I have so frequently argued, and I am pleased to have my view confirmed by so eminent an individual.

    Tiny Speck has been trying for some time to convince people that it's inappropriate to teach children right from wrong. Don't believe its hype! Tiny Speck has just been offering that line as a means to declare martial law, suspend elections, and round up dissidents (i.e., anyone who does not buy its lie that we can all live together happily without laws, like the members of some 1960s-style dope-smoking commune).

    In any decent society, Tiny Speck would be just another snooty, silly serpent standing on a streetcorner braying its nonsensical diatribes from atop a soapbox. Nevertheless, it has managed to gain some credibility among carnaptious kleptocrats because they relate to her message that going through the motions of working is the same as working. We have a life-or-death situation on our hands. The best example of this, culled from many, would have to be the time Tiny Speck tried to siphon off scarce international capital intended for underdeveloped countries.

    Tiny Speck hopes to further its geopolitical ambitions by destroying that which is the envy of—and model for—the entire civilized world. This is all well and good, but I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to shine a bright light on its declamations, which flourish mainly in the darkness of officialism. And just let it try and stop me.

    Definitely, Tiny Speck desperately wants us to believe that it is a model organization. We have two options: sit back and let such lies go unchallenged or fight back with the truth. I have decided to fight back. I shall do so by spreading the truth about how Tiny Speck chooses to ignore the fact that its yeomen have been trained, organized, and motivated to exhibit a deep disdain for all people who are not execrable lunkheads. That's self-evident, and even Tiny Speck would probably agree with me on that. Even so, it craves more power. I say we should give Tiny Speck more power—preferably, 10,000 volts of it. Don't be intimidated by Tiny Speck's threat to capitalize on our needs and vulnerabilities.

    Only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to reveal the truth about Tiny Speck's exegeses. But the first step is to acknowledge that its contumacious conclusions leave the current power structure untouched while simultaneously killing countless children through starvation and disease. Are these children Tiny Speck's enemies? We should be able to look into our own souls for the answer. If we do, I suspect we'll find that it is mathematically provable that teetotalism, as a social philosophy, is disreputable. I'm not actually familiar with the proof for that statement and wouldn't understand it even if it were shown to me, but it seems very believable based upon my experience. What's also quite believable is that if Tiny Speck is going to talk about higher standards then it needs to live by those higher standards.

    Whereas Tiny Speck claims that everyone who fails to think and act in strict accordance with its requirements is an antisocial vagabond, I claim that it plans to convict me without trial, jury, or reading one complete paragraph of this letter. What can you do about that? Start by reading about how Tiny Speck's animadversions are complete and total offal. Become informed about the deceit, lies, and propaganda surrounding its promotion of miserabilism. Tell everyone you know that I feel that we should let Tiny Speck prattle on about how it is known for its sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends. At this point, such exsufflicate jibber jabber is harmless enough, albeit a little unsettling. Nevertheless, it does demonstrate how if Tiny Speck is victorious in its quest to hasten society's quiescence to moral pluralism and epistemological uncertainty, then its crown will be the funeral wreath of humanity.

    In the past, I've said that even without making an ethical argument against irrationalism, I can show that I will do my best to take steps toward creating an inclusive society free of attitudinal barriers. Were I to make such a generalization today it would contain a few "weasel words"—an escape hatch or that indispensable cliche that Tiny Speck is a paragon of evil at its most wicked. But because vindictive tricksters, more than any other segment of the population, like to consign our traditional values to the rubbish heap of classism, I am not ready to retract my conviction or to recant error. Though I don't doubt the depth of Tiny Speck's sentiments, it's rather the form of its expressions that I find both paltry and petty. Tiny Speck says that it is its moral imperative to perpetuate what we all know is a corrupt system. Such statements are not just wrong; they're worse than wrong. They reinforce a dangerous and insidious but sadly common misunderstanding among many people. They disguise the fact that you shouldn't let it intimidate you. You shouldn't let it push you around. We're the ones who are right, not Tiny Speck. Sorry for going on for so long about Tiny Speck. I guess I just have a burr under my saddle from seeing Tiny Speck conduct business in a jejune, impractical way.
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • The purpose of this post is to outline a plan to get people to stop believing lies that were forged in the fiery pits of hell. I begin with critical semantic clarifications. First, Stoot Barfield denies that he has been organizing a troika of bumptious, collectivism-prone voluptuaries, unsavory suborners of perjury, and longiloquent egotists with the sole purpose of subjecting us to the stupid, poxy yapping of revolting Huns. His denials clearly contradict reports from eyewitnesses who saw him introducing changes without testing them first. I'd like to see Stoot spin his way out of that one.

    Stoot is squarely in favor of prætorianism and its propensity to make higher education accessible only to those in the higher echelons of society. This is so typical of Stoot: he condemns bigotry and injustice except when it benefits him personally. He wants us to believe that sometime soon it will be considered cool to impair the practice of democracy. Yes, things will be that way if we choose to believe that. I choose not to believe that. I choose to believe that if we foreground the cognitive and emotional palette of Stoot's litigious double standards rather than their pathology we can enter vitally into his world. Why do we want to do that? Because Stoot is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that rotten backbiters aren't ever tetchy. Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how catty Stoot is. You can't do it. Not only that, but I sometimes ask myself whether the struggle to express my views is worth all of the potential consequences. And I consistently answer by saying that I have a scientist's respect for objective truth. That's why I'm telling you that unlike Stoot, I believe in individual responsibility, the rule of law, and fair play. In this case, one cannot help but recall that if he manages to turn public education into a warm, soft, touchy-feely experience whose purpose is socialization, not learning, our nation will not endure as a civilization, as a geopolitical entity, or even as a society. Rather, it will exist only as a prison, a prison in which impractical, boisterous skybalds deny citizens the ability to draw their own conclusions about the potential for violence that Stoot may be generating.

    Stoot's collaborators tend to fall into the mistaken belief that the kids on the playground are happy to surrender to the school bully, mainly because they live inside a Stoot-generated illusion world and talk only with each other. His apologists are united by only two things. Want to guess what those are? They're a deep-seated sense of victimization and a burning desire to force me to undergo "treatment" to cure my "problem". Aside from those two things, the members of Stoot's peuplade have little in common. Surprisingly, some of them even realize that Stoot claims that lawless monomaniacs are more deserving of honor than our nation's war heroes. Well, I beg to differ. Finally, to those of you who are faithfully helping me seek liberty, equality, and fraternity, let me extend, as always, my deepest gratitude and my most affectionate regards.
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *drowns in verbosity*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • In this letter I'm not going to discuss Ms. Kristen Marie's prior wrongdoings. Instead, I intend to focus only on Ms. Marie's current, disloyal inveracities. Let me begin by saying that Ms. Marie has long been getting away with mollycoddling the worst classes of bitter freeloaders there are. I urge all of my beautiful and loyal fans to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong and prove to the world that Ms. Marie's deflection and falsification of our highest culture tendencies will feed on the politics of resentment, alienation, frustration, anger, and fear. Let me recap that for you because it really is extraordinarily important: Ever since Ms. Marie decided to help unbalanced, empty-headed fugitives evade capture by the authorities, her consistent, unvarying line has been that honor counts for nothing. As I reread what I've written up to this point, I'm disappointed that I lack Demosthenes's oratorical acumen. Nevertheless, I hope that somehow I still managed to convince you that you probably can't find one good reason why Ms. Kristen Marie should prey on people's fear of political and economic instability.
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *letters fall on head*


    *eats letter L*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • The following letter is inspired by a quote from Thomas Paine: "He who dares not offend cannot be honest." Here's a quick review: Mr. Red Sauce's criticisms of my letters have never successfully disproved a single fact I ever presented. Instead, his criticisms are based solely on his emotions and gut reactions. Well, I refuse to get caught up in Mr. Sauce's "I think … I believe … I feel" game. There are some truths that are so obvious that for this very reason they are not seen, or at least not recognized, by ordinary people. One noteworthy example is the truism that Mr. Sauce is not only irresponsible but is addicted to being irresponsible. For the benefit of any doubting Thomases I will prove that point via an explanation of how Mr. Sauce has indicated that if we don't let him make bribery legal and part of business as usual then he'll be forced to spit in the face of propriety. That's like putting rabid attack dogs in silk suits. In other words, Mr. Sauce has issued us a thinly veiled threat that's intended primarily to scare us away from the realization that I don't want to build castles in the air. I don't want to plan things that I can't yet implement. But I do want to direct our efforts toward clearly defined goals and measure progress toward those goals as frequently and as objectively as possible because doing so clearly demonstrates how the central paradox of his allocutions, the twist that makes his histrionics so irresistible to out-of-touch popinjays, is that these people truly believe that he is entitled to pigeonhole people into predetermined categories. Some day, I want to renew those institutions of civil society—like families, schools, churches, and civic groups—that light the torch of human rights. But you don't have to wait for that. What you can do now is talk to everyone you know about the things I've told you in this letter. Use every medium available to you. Use the Internet. Use your telephone. Use radio and newspapers. And whatever you do, never be afraid to speak out against the evil that is Mr. Red Sauce.
    Posted 7 years ago by Beans, Obviously Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *spits out L for more pleasantly candy-cane shaped J*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I would like to clarify some comments I made recently regarding Ms. Beans Obviously. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous letters: One does not have to poison the air, water, and soil in order to do something about the continuing—make that the escalating—effort on Ms. Obviously's part to use mass organization as a system of integration and control. It is a mealymouthed person who believes otherwise. She would sooner get a lobotomy than extricate as many people as possible from her grip. I kid you not. She is a woman of questionable moral character. (Yes, wild segregationists have an insatiable appetite for her dulcet but infernal piffle, but that's a different story.) Ms. Obviously's tender and delicate adjustments and readjustments of her convictions may succeed at convincing a few offensive, eccentric anarchists that we should all bear the brunt of her actions. Nevertheless, Ms. Obviously must be surrounded by some sort of reality-distortion field. Why else would her torchbearers assert that she knows the "right" way to read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli? If it weren't for all that reality distortion they'd instead be observing that perhaps one day we will live in a world where good people are not troubled by fear of crabby Svengalis. Until that day arrives, however, we must spread the word that Ms. Obviously is reluctant to resolve problems. She always just looks the other way and hopes no one will notice that her idea of addressing a problem is not to fix the problem but to establish a task force, council, or commission to look into it, study it, dissect it, and finally talk it to death. But let's not lose sight of the larger, more important issue here: her amoral, twisted codices. Let me conclude by stating that Ms. Beans Obviously is not just voluble but proud of it. You can quote me on that.
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • oh my glob my brain.
    Posted 7 years ago by HAVOK PEW SUMMERS Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *pats Havok's brain*

    *offers J*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • This letter is not meant to be witty or insulting and I am afraid I won't even be able to make it eloquent. But I will do the best I can to reveal the nature and activity of Ms. Havok PEW Summmers's eulogists and expose their inner contexts as well as their ultimate final aims. Before I launch into my rant, permit me the prelude caveat that I've repeatedly pointed out to Havok that if we let her shatter other people's lives and dreams, civilization itself will fall. That apparently didn't register with her, though. Oh, well; I guess Havok is rarely shy about speaking from the depths of her ignorance. But wait—as they say on late-night television infomercials—there's more: Havok fully intends to lay the foundation for some serious mischief. But that's not enough, not for her. Havok will additionally demonstrate an outright hostility to law enforcement, which is why I suspect that I'll admit that her rhetoric is occasionally decorous. However, Havok's delusions are just as ripe and far more lethal than those of the ornery rakes who insist that going through the motions of working is the same as working. This letter has gone on far too long in my opinion and probably yours as well. So let me end it by saying merely that there are lessons to be learned from history
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Most people probably think they already know all they need to know about Prof. Red Sauce, but I have some new information to bring to light. First off, I want to live my life as I see fit. I can't do that while Prof. Sauce still has the ability to legitimize the fear and hatred of the privileged for the oppressed. Following this line of logic, it would appear that what I wrote just a moment ago is not the paranoid rambling of a snappish wacko. 

    It's a fact.You should never forget the three most important facets of Prof. Sauce's antics, namely their scummy origins, their internal contradictions, and their tendentious nature. Ignoring the problem of favoritism will not make it go away. But let's not quibble about that. An interesting sidebar to what I just wrote is that Prof. Sauce swears that the most cankered plotters you'll ever see are more deserving of honor than our nation's war heroes. Clearly, he's living in a world of make-believe, with flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats. Back in the real world, escapism is Prof. Sauce's main weapon and his chief means of convincing his attendants to focus too much on one side of the equation and not enough on the broader perspective of things. To cap that off, Prof. Sauce's views are precisely the kind of thing that will palliate and excuse the atrocities of Prof. Sauce's zealots some day. But wait—as they say on late-night television infomercials—there's more: Prof. Sauce's premise (that education should teach the precepts of voyeurism and the duties of man towards crabby, villainous quacksalvers of one sort or another) is his morality disguised as pretended neutrality. Prof. Sauce uses this disguised morality to support his disquisitions, thereby making his argument self-refuting. I'd like to end this letter with a message for Prof. Red Sauce. I'd like to say with emphasis and distinctness—not as a threat, but as a warning—that I will do whatever it takes to open minds instead of closing them, and I won't let Prof. Sauce stop me from achieving that goal.
    Posted 7 years ago by Beans, Obviously Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I am writing this letter purely in the spirit of uplifting and sharing, as corny and dated as those sentiments may sound in the fast-moving and ever-evolving modern techno-plastic times in which we live. Primarily, I want to share with you my view that Mr. Red Sauce, Esq. proclaims at every opportunity that his mission is to provide cover for an ill-natured agenda. The rest of this letter is focused exclusively on Mr. Sauce, not because I harbor any ill-will towards him but because his supporters undeniably don't want us to put his volage-brained, temulent modes of thought to the question. That'd be too much of a threat to frotteurism, hooliganism, and all of the other illiterate things they worship. Clearly, they prefer clear-cutting ancient forest lands. If the left of the current political spectrum is savage, unruly vandalism and the right is officious, stultiloquent vigilantism then Mr. Sauce's politics are decidedly going to be a form of discourteous conformism.

    Mr. Sauce's persistent moralizing makes me think that he ignores the lustrous ascendance and near triumph of the glorious potential of free Man. To enter adequately into details or particulars upon this subject in such a short letter as this is quite out of the question. Hence, I will only remark here, in a general way but with all the emphasis of earnestness and truth, that I have no idea why Mr. Sauce believes that skin color means more than skill, and gender is more impressive than genius. Perhaps the thought popped into his head during omphaloskepsis. In any case, when one looks at the increasing influence of Zendicism in our culture one sees that Mr. Sauce's signature is on everything. So how come his fingerprints are nowhere to be found? Mr. Sauce doesn't want you to know the answer to that question; he wants to ensure you don't treat the blows of circumstance.

    Every so often, Mr. Sauce tries combining, in a rare mixture, bestial cruelty and an inconceivable gift for lying. Whenever he gets caught doing so he raises a terrific hullabaloo calculated to trample into the mud all that is fine and noble and beautiful. I believe, way deep down, that there is an unpleasant fact, painful to the tender-minded, that one can deduce from the laws of nature. This fact is also conclusively established by direct observation. It is a fact so obvious that rational people have always known it and no one doubted it until Mr. Sauce and his sympathizers started trying to deny it. The fact to which I am referring states that if Mr. Sauce thinks his casus belli represent progress, he should rethink his definition of progress. Until we address this issue, we will never move beyond it.
    Posted 7 years ago by Osiris ? Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *floats on hullaballoon*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Because many of the things I'm about to say regarding Osiris X have already been beaten into the ground, I will try to keep this letter short. Let me make clear what is foremost on my mind and what the focus of this letter will be: I really insist that there are in fact many people who possess the intelligence, wisdom, talent, and ability to halt the destructive process that is carrying our civilization toward extinction. My goal is to locate those people and encourage them to help me expose Osiris's malversation. If you're the type who dares to think for yourself, then you've probably already determined that unlike him, when I make a mistake I'm willing to admit it. Consequently, if—and I'm bending over backwards to maintain the illusion of "innocent until proven guilty"—Osiris were not actually responsible for trying to promote the total destruction of individuality in favor of an all-powerful group, then I'd stop saying that Osiris's ignorant attempts to debunk myths often lead to the perpetuation of them. I've said that before and I've said it often, but perhaps I haven't been concrete enough or specific enough, so now I'll try to remedy those shortcomings. I'll try to be a lot more specific and concrete when I explain that some people have indicated that Osiris is almost unique among ultra-mephitic, annoying politicasters in that he openly espouses a viperine view of reality and a defense of wily colonialism. I can neither confirm nor deny that statement, but I can say that Osiris will do everything in his power to make my stomach turn. No wonder corruption is endemic to our society; Osiris is indisputably proud of himself for conconcting such a "brilliant" scheme for dressing up his profit motive in the cloak of selfless altruism. In my opinion, however, that's the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. Much better would be to debunk the nonsense spouted by Osiris's shills. Before you read this letter, you might have thought that national-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever Osiris X's personal interests are at stake. Now you know that Osiris's recommendations have grown into a pestiferous tapestry weaving together classical conspiracy theories of the 19th century and post-Marxian economics.
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *climbs in debunk beds*

    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • What a maroon!
    Posted 7 years ago by Beans, Obviously Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *brings helikittehs*
    Posted 7 years ago by awesome sauce01 Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Poppycock and hogwash! And furthermore, I have some words about the man himself...What do clumsy, disgraceful Machiavellians, sneaky junkies, and Mr. Stewart Butterfield have in common? If you answered, "They all fleece people out of their life's savings," then pat yourself on the back. What follows is a call to action for those of us who care—a large enough number to look into the future and consider what will happen if we let Mr. Butterfield shame my name. Finally, this has been a good deal of reading, and undoubtedly difficult reading at that. Still, I hope you walk away from it with the new knowledge that Mr. Stewart Butterfield's financial speculation and peculation will bring entire nations to economic ruin.
    Posted 7 years ago by Osiris ? Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *frolics through butter field*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Although the space allotted here can't possibly suffice to elaborate in detail on the long list of Tiny Speck's treasonous hastily mounted campaigns—including the iscariotic, the audacious, the covinous, and especially the poxy—I'll use what little space I have to help people help themselves. Let me get to the crux of the matter: It's sad how Tiny Speck has been subordinating all spheres of society to an ideological vision of organic community. The silver lining around this cloud is that when you're hurt by its editorials, you learn. You put things in perspective. You pull your energies together. You change. You go forward. You observe that Tiny Speck wants to control every aspect of our lives. It wants us to rise, fall asleep, work, and live at the beat of a drum. Then, once we're molded into a uniform mass, we'll be incapable of seeing that by scrapping the notion of national sovereignty, Tiny Speck has erected a monument to Zendicism. Only it does not seem proper to say that such a thing has been "created". "Excreted", "belched", "spewed", and "spat out" are expressions more appropriate to the object here described. You see, if we let Tiny Speck sow the seeds of resistentialism we'll be reaping the crop for quite a long time. Summa summarum, Tiny Speck relies on stichomancy to "prove", inter alia, that it is not only acceptable but indeed desirable to cause a marked deterioration in our literature, amusements, and social conduct
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • It is imperative that I give you the following information, which awesome sauce01 wants concealed from the public. I realize that some of you may not know the particular background details of the events I'm referring to. I'm not going to go into those details here, but you can read up on them elsewhere. I'd like to finish with a quote from a private e-mail message sent to me by a close friend of mine: "awesome sauce01's cheerleaders get so hypnotized by her simplistic 'good guys and bad guys' approach to history that they do not hear what she is really saying".
    Posted 7 years ago by Beans, Obviously Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *conceals things in fields of butter*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *Brain explodes. Goes to Squish in Hell.*
    Posted 7 years ago by Mal'akh Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *protects the precious precious fields of buttery goodness*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I'm not writing this letter so that I can change Hell Grapes's mind but rather to help others with open minds understand that Hell Grapes's general prostration before alcoholism confirms that the public perception is that their anecdotes have proven to be a complete disaster in both theory and practice. There are a number of reasons they aren't telling us as to why they want to remake the world to suit their own repressive needs. In this letter, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that their reasoning is circular and therefore invalid. In other words, they always begin an argument with their conclusion (e.g., that they have their moral compass in tact) and therefore—not surprisingly—they always arrive at that very conclusion. Although I've reached the end of this letter, I'm not going to sit down. I'm not going to shut up. I'm only going to redouble my efforts to transform our culture of war and violence into a culture of peace and nonviolence.
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Wow, have the gas trees exploded? Sure is a lot of hot air floating around in here! :D 
    *fills up hullaballoon with gaseous emissions courtesy of Red Sauce et al. and sails off into the sunset Oz-style listening to Styx "Come Sail Away"* Cheers,'s been fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! xoxo!

    (edited to insert necessary hyphen. Hyphens are elusive creatures by nature, so when you are lucky enough to catch one, it's only decent to give it a good home.)
    Posted 7 years ago by KitchWitch Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *eats Sunset*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Here's a letter that dares not let PBMS off the hook. It's all here: the compromises, the backstabbing, the attempts to mollycoddle the worst kinds of snotty ivory-tower academics there are. But first, let me pose you a question: Is it actually concerned about any of us or does it just want to engulf reason and humanity within waves of Stalinism and fear? After reading this letter, you'll surely find it's the latter. Maybe it's not fair to call PBMS's goons "bloody-minded" just because they glorify the things that everyone else execrates, but remember that pride and solidarity prepare individuals to become partners in an alliance against fork-tongued hoodlumism. That may sound unbelievable, but it's the truth. Another unbelievable but true statement is that it would be great if all of us could give PBMS a rhadamanthine warning not to destroy the lives of good, honest people. In the end, however, money talks and you-know-what walks. Perhaps that truism also explains why PBMS has once again been gaining a respectable foothold for its anal-retentive, nocent memoranda. Although for it, this behavior is as common as that of adulterous politicians seeking forgiveness from God and spouse, its ungrateful, unmannerly vassals continually demonstrate their blatant love of prætorianism. As those same vassals like to say, "Mediocrity is a worthwhile goal." That's a verbatim quote that doesn't parse too well but does indicate that PBMS's constant whining and yammering is a background noise that never seems to go away. The facts are indisputable, the arguments are impeccable, and the consequences are undeniable. So why does PBMS aver that it is a spokesman for God? The answer is rather depressing, but I'll tell you anyway. The answer begins with the observation that we must understand that I hold PBMS's probity in question. And we must formulate that understanding into as clear and cogent a message as possible.

     I sincerely hope that typing it was not a complete waste of energy. Unfortunately, I do realize that my words will probably trigger no useful response in the flabby synapses of PBMS's brain. I just felt obligated to go through the motions because PBMS would rather talk about making changes than actually make them.
    Posted 7 years ago by Beans, Obviously Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *completely wastes energy running around in circles*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *would join KM in dancing in circles, but she's sailing away on said hullaballoon*
    Posted 7 years ago by KitchWitch Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *waves to KitchWitch, I think. The world is still spinning*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • what is this i don't even
    Posted 7 years ago by DOOMy Nutpuncher Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I've been doing a lot of meditating and praying lately, and this has helped me collect my thoughts and organize them into the letter you're about to read. I'm sure that everyone reading this is already familiar with Miss Kristen Marie's distasteful actions so I'll spare you the sordid details. Instead, I'll simply summarize with the comment that the really interesting thing about all this is not that it is my intent to think outside the box. The interesting thing is that there is still hope for our society, real hope—not the false sense of hope that comes from the mouths of what I call clumsy recidivists but the hope that makes you eager to wage war on sectarianism. Those—I count myself among them—who accept that Miss Marie and oppugnant bloodsuckers are tighter than a congenital syndactyly do know one thing. We know that the television-addicted, drone inhabitants of her rotting empire of cannibalism uniformly believe that she has the trappings of deity. Well, I have news for such paltry survivalists: Miss Marie has been trying desperately hard to make the case that women are crazed Pavlovian sex-dogs who will salivate at any object even remotely phallic in shape. Sorry, Miss Marie, but I must respectfully disagree. My counterargument is that Miss Marie plans to silence critical debate and squelch creative brainstorming. She has instructed her adulators not to discuss this or even admit to her plan's existence. Obviously, Miss Marie knows she has something to hide. In the beginning of this letter, I promised you details, but now I'm running out of space. So here's one detail to end with: Miss Kristen Marie is the great master of deception.
    Posted 7 years ago by Osiris ? Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Can someone please translate whatever message Ms. KitchWitch is trying to convey into something that I might better be able to understand, like Yiddish or that Bushman clicking language? As it stands, I have no idea whether Ms. Witch is seriously claiming that her mistakes are always someone else's fault or if it's simply the case that she is a card-carrying member of the Hypocrisy Club. Many of the arguments I'm about to make rest upon the rock-solid principles of freedom of thought and freedom of speech. If it weren't for these freedoms, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you that when she says that everything she says is entirely and totally true, that's just a load of spucatum tauri. The facts are in: Ms. KitchWitch has no conception of our moral and ethical standards.
    Posted 7 years ago by Beans, Obviously Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *feeds the piggies she put on her makeshift hullaballoon ark*
    Posted 7 years ago by KitchWitch Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sorry to double-post, but I must say this thread has been absolutely preposterous. (Translation, as per the original usage context, "This is the best thread EVAH.")

    I'm not normally one to encourage sycophants to spout their unending psychobabble drivel in the interest of modern technology, but I must say you geniuses have far surpassed my cognitive understanding of the human race and its limitations, and exceeded them wholeheartedly. ;)

    With that said, I bid you a fond adieu, my fair friends, and wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors, and hope to run into you on occasion in a random world. Until then, keep platform jumping and know that my heart...and indeed, the hearts of all crap jumpers everywhere...are with you. Keep the faith, bros and bras...peace. ;)
    Posted 7 years ago by KitchWitch Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Sorry to triple-post (gaaah...spam!) but I'm circling Ur in my make-shift ark, the Hullaballoon Kristen Marie gave me, picking up all sorts of stray critters like sloths, foxes, piggies, butterflies, chickens, aunts and uncles, tool-vendors, helikitties, and even the occasional stray Glitchen, and so just wanted to give a last shout-out...ALL ABOARD!!! *sings "come sail away, come sail away come sail away with meeeeeeeeeeee"*
    Posted 7 years ago by KitchWitch Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I am writing this letter to respectfully express concern on the issue of Tiny Speck's clear moral corruption. This horrid business has clearly driven the majority of its players to senselessness, as displayed by Miss KitchWitch and Kristen Marie. Tiny Speck is markedly committing a crime of a high degree, and we demand that they meet some form of justice in return for making these psychopathic numskulls what they are. I shall now continue with some meaningless blather containing many sesquipedalian words so nobody will feel compelled to read it. Krukolibidinous colposinquanonia. Jumentous misodoctakleidist. Vesthibitionism and witzelsucht, I say.
    Posted 7 years ago by SeerQueen Subscriber! | Permalink
  • tl;dr
    Posted 7 years ago by Clegane Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Kristen Marie for President...Hullaballoons for all and a J in every pot...
    Posted 7 years ago by Chazerei Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Normally, I wouldn't participate in this sort of discussion online, but circumstances have arisen that have made it a necessity on my part - nay, a moral obligation!  I think you are all missing something very important here that, with the impending numerical advancement of the calendar year, signifying the inevitable change that we must all face with the march of time, bodes profoundly ill for the foreseeable future.  But once I mention this grave matter, I think you will all agree that action, not a profundity of words, is the prescription that is in order here!  And I call upon you all to take up arms and march forward in this endeavour!  For the day is nigh, and the hour is at hand, and the precipice of thought itself is shaken to the very core of its meaning with the transitory nature of semantics itself!  In fact, I implore you to sit down and brace yourselves, steel your mettle against the inevitable clamour and read these words carefully.  Put aside your partisanship and your fear, and focus on the dilemma at hand, for it is a universal one that we can all understand, as empirical tests have shown and there is a real consensus among the community that agrees, indeed, that my coffee cup is empty and requires to be refilled as soon as possible, lest the dire consequences come to pass!

    Heed my words!
    Posted 7 years ago by Carl Projectorinski Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I'm reminded of a verse of scripture, Song of Solomon 7:7: "Bla bla bla... breasts like grapes", or something like that. And chili dogs. I truly do LOVE me some chili dogs.
    Posted 7 years ago by FyodorD Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *jaw on floor*
    Posted 7 years ago by Little Poundcake Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I must admit that while taking so much of my time to read these preposterous letters that I can't help but think that many of these letters are written by intellectuals with the agenda of propagandizing their own ideals. I, for one, will not stand for such frivolous claims or conspiracy theories as they are presented here. No, instead I will reject all said theories and interject my own since that is what most individuals do at this point in time. 

    To all the nay-sayers I say neigh in your general direction. I care not for such hullaballoons, nor such insane actions such as eating letters, or exploding brains, nor squishing grapes. I refuse to squish grapes and Trisor was just a figurehead in Hell that enjoys silently berating Glitchens. Demand that we be able to craft our own Hellish Wine instead, for those in purgatory should take caution that death is not a little thing and we should learn that life is worth living and thus take our punishments.

    Fret not, for if people are still reading this they may spy meaningless drivel and mindless words typed out in a notorious fashion with a few grammatical and typographical errors. Pay no mind to the people behind the curtain for it is just Stoot watching us as if we are puppets on a string. Indeed, this seems as if Tiny Speck was hoping we'd take our imaginations elsewhere to share with the rest of the world but never forget that though they may be tiny, they have still influenced us with their kooky game. Neigh to all I say, refuse to be taken in! The creativity and imagination must flow without the terrifying influences of fanaticals like Kristen Marie or Red Sauce! 

    The Rook wasn't a crow it was a chess piece!
    Posted 7 years ago by Ayasta Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Ms. Little Poundcake's worst transgressions are systematically whitewashed by the press. To counteract that whitewash I will use the remainder of my space here to expose Ms. Poundcake for who she really is. But first, let me pose you a question: Is Ms. Poundcake actually concerned about any of us or does she just want to make the pot of sadism overboil and scald the whole world? After reading this letter, you'll honestly find it's the latter. I don't suppose she realizes which dialectic principle she's violating by maintaining that it's obnoxious to fight the warped, distorted, misshapen, unwholesome monstrosity that her crotchets have become. Therefore, I shall take it upon myself to explain. Ms. Poundcake should think about how her manuscripts lead manipulative sleazy-types to engulf the world in a dense miasma of narcissism. If Ms. Poundcake doesn't want to think that hard, perhaps she should just keep quiet. My task—our task—is to bring strength to our families, power to our nation, and health to our cities. Since I don't have anything more to say on that subject, I'll politely get off my soapbox now.
    Posted 7 years ago by Saucelah Subscriber! | Permalink
  • *giggles*

    *eats ideals*
    Posted 7 years ago by Kristen Marie Subscriber! | Permalink
  • Before Ayasta starts ripping tendons and ligaments with her typical knee-jerk reaction to my letters, she should realize that her subalterns should have their foreheads stamped with an "Empty" tattoo. I assume you already know that her jealous, incompetent values have earned her a spot near the top of my Worst People in the World list so let me begin this letter by remarking that teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain—with a straight face—that the world can be happy only when Ayasta's polity is given full rein. Fortunately, most parents don't fall for this fraud because they know that I can't understand why Ayasta has to be so brassbound. Maybe a dybbuk has taken up residence inside Ayasta's head and is making her replace Robert's Rules of Order with "facilitated consensus building" at all important meetings. It's a bit more likely, however, that she claims to be fighting for equality. 
    What Ayasta is really fighting for, however, is equality in degradation, by which I mean that Ayasta wants to own us and, to the extent that she cannot own us, to destroy us. It may be more correct, however, to say that one of her flunkies once said, "The best way to make a point is with foaming-at-the-mouth rhetoric and letters filled primarily with exclamation points." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that I suggest that we make a genuine contribution to human society. This right and truthful proposition, practically established, will help us restore our righteous rage and singular purpose to prevail over her pharisaical imperium. 

    To reiterate the main message of this letter, deluded yobbos have exerted care always to use high-sounding words like "chronocinematography" to hide Ayasta's plans to convince others that obstinate, feebleminded ranters are the "chosen people" of scriptural prophecy.
    Posted 7 years ago by Beans, Obviously Subscriber! | Permalink
  • I lost track of what everyone was saying at the 'absurd' part.
    Posted 7 years ago by OMG BACON!! Subscriber! | Permalink
  • In this letter, I would like to share with you some thoughts I originally organized to free people from the spell of quislingism that Miss Beans Obviously has cast over them. Here's how this letter works: I'll offer ideas and a theory to explain things. You bring your own experiences to bear on the matter of Beans's bilious histrionics, supplementing them where necessary with information from this letter. Together we will look into the future and consider what will happen if we let Beans prevent me from sleeping soundly at night.

    Beans, get a life! She appears committed to the proposition that her views are correct, self-evident, and based on fact and reason, while other people's positions are not just wrong but illegitimate, ideological, and unworthy of serious consideration. If you were to get a second opinion from someone who's not a member of her coven, however, he'd of course tell you that Beans's arguments would be a lot more effective if they were at least accurate or intelligent, not just a load of bull for the sake of being controversial.

    I don't see why Beans wants to cause Tiny Speck to flounder on the shoals of self-interest, corruption, and chaos. That's just a fancy way of saying that Beans seems unable to think of turns of speech that aren't hackneyed. What really grates on my nerves, however, is that her prose consists less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning than of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse. She sates her bloodlust by instigating acrimony and discord. I submit that everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, people will understand why I correctly predicted that Beans would twist the history, sociology, and anthropology disseminated by our mass media and in our children's textbooks. Alas, I didn't think she'd do that so effectively—or so soon. I have just enough stomach left to address one last instance of Miss Beans Obviously's vindictive imbecility: She sincerely believes that doing the fashionable thing is more important than life or liberty.
    Posted 7 years ago by Ayasta Subscriber! | Permalink
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