Topic
Critics requested!
Here:
docs.google.com/file/d/0B1O...
Bring to me your worst, harshest criticism. Don't worry about sugarcoating. I can (probably) take it.
I know that Glitch is a bit nicer than the rest of the internet, though. So thanks, guys, for suffering through what is possibly the most horribly-written story you will read today.
Replies
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As a reader I would have liked a better description of the witch-lady. Her raspy voice and general crabbiness imply that she is elderly. Also, it was unclear what she wanted with the dragons in the first place. Why did she chase after them like that when all she was going to do was make sure they got back in the river? A bit of her history might be nice as well. I'm curious how she got her alarming reputation. Also, the "I think It'll be friends with you," How does she know that?
The fact that Cera notes that the sun is setting indicates that Kiere took a long time to get there, but the fact that she was setting the table before indicates that dinner implies that it's almost done (porridge doesn't take that long, and it's extremely unusual to set the table before at least beginning to prepare the meal) and the fact that Cera hasn't eaten yet implies that dinner has only just been finished when Kiere returns (Cera doesn't seem the type to wait for her annoying sister). I would recommend you pick one or the other, but few enough people make porridge anymore, you could probably get away without changing it. You did ask for lots of criticism, however, so I am pointing it out. (Please don't ask about the time I made porridge.)
Your writing has potential. You're welcome to join my new group of Writers, Readers and Critiquers. -
So what happened when you made porridge? :3
Also, thanks. The story has a maximum word count of 2,500. I have around 700 left to spare, so I guess that's enough to write a more decent-ish story? Yay. Thank you again! - Updated: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B1OGEpjWQjXnUlpMV1YwZGcxVUE/edit
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The ending is a lot better now, and the witch lady's actions make more sense. I didn't have time to read all of it, but I will try to look at it more later today.
tanith.
P.S.
This is not the porridge you're looking for. Move along.
No, seriously. Unless you want an extremely detailed description of my little sister covered in black gooey flakes that used to be breakfast, don't ask. Just, if you're trying to cook an even semi-decent meal, don't ask my sis to stir for a couple minutes while you talk to your friend Emily on the phone. *Disastrous. -
I'm going to try to use the last hundred words I have left to make the story seem not-as-rushed.
P.S.
How does porridge turn into black flakes? :o -
Ok. I'll wait for you to do that before I critique some more.
P.S.
It usually doesn't. My sister is special that way. -
Bump!
docs.google.com/file/d/0B1O... -
I can't access it this time. Did you do something differently when you set it up?
Edit: OK NVM it works now. I think it may have been my internet connection
K NVM bout that too. It's not working again.