Chuck Norris once arm wrestled the hulk. whoever lost had to paint himself green and wear purple shorts.
BTW i dont want people to have to say "Hey thats from _____" So please say if you got your jokes from somewhwere else. Mine were both from a chuck norris site.
The Priest says: "You can't come in here, you call yourself the God particle, it's sacrilegious!"
And the Higgs Boson particle replies: "But if you don't allow Higgs Boson particles, how can you have Mass?"
A room temperature superconductor goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve superconductors here" so the room temperature superconductor leaves without resistance
what do you call 1000 pair of wet socks? 1 lederhosen
A wife and husband are having dinner the husband asks his wife "How many men have you slept with dear?" she smiles and replies kindly "Only with you dear, with the rest I was wide awake"
what has 8 teeth and 152 legs? The front row of a Garth Brooks concert
George meets up with a friend on the street, and the friend can tell George is really pissed. He asks him what the matter is. George replies, “The people at Victoria’s Secret are SO rude. There I am in their store and I’m trying to buy some panties for my lady, and I’m picking some out… and the manager asks me to leave!! All I was trying to do was decide which ones I liked. So – I took the panties out of my mouth and took my business elsewhere.”
The following theorem can now be supported using some basic physics and two well known propositions, namely :
Knowledge is Power.
Time is Money.
As every physicist knows, Power = Work/Time.
Therefore, Knowledge = Power = Work / Time = Work / Money, or
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus for any given amount of work, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money goes to infinity (the executives).
And conversely, as Knowledge gets larger, Money gets smaller (scientists and academics). QED
A farmer is having problems with his chickens. They are all suddenly getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. The biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. All of the sudden, he starts scribbling away in a notebook. After several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "I hate you guys" and pours two beers.
A photon checks into a hotel. The bell hop asks him " Can I help you with your luggage?" To which the photon replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."
This glitch goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender nods and starts going thru the motions of drafting a beer, though he doesn't use a mug or the tap. He walks over to the glitch and says "That will be $30." The glitch blinks and says "But you didn't give me a beer." to which the bartender reply's "You're a glitch, right? So, just imagine it"